A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." _______________________________________________________ The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt." _______________________________________________________ Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed!" _______________________________________________________ The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins: Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, just the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux men who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodile and wrestled him to du ground and killed em with my bare hends" Jerry from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today." Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis. ______________________________________________________ In opening the session, Narayana Murthy (Infosys) mentioned a hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot-less technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse. One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." ______________________________________________________ Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Well it worked for your ass, didn't it?" He lived and, with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again... ______________________________________________________ Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"... "AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..." ______________________________________________________ HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER _______________________________________________________ HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. 5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. ________________________________________________________ Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask. The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering." The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night." The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down and grabbed her crotch, she said, "Cut that out!" He held out his hands and shuddered, "Ever seen one of these up close?" ________________________________________________________ MORE "WHAT PORNO'S WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE" - When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you. - When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it". - A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. - Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm. - If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!) - If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. ________________________________________________________ BALL OF FIRE GRIPS LONDON August 02, 2002 Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the city. The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said, "but it never lasts." There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath". (Reuters, London) ________________________________________________________ When Sister Marlena entered the Convent of Silence, Abbess said, "Sister,this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Sister Marlena lived in the convent for 5 years before the Abbess said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years you can speak two words." Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbess said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, the Abbess called Sister Marlena into her office. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena." "Cold food," said Sister Marlena. The Abbess assured her that the food would be better in the future... On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbess again called Sister Marlena into her office. "Two words you may say today." "I quit," said Sister Marlena. "It is probably best," said the Abbess, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here _________________________________________________________ DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK Specificity Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK Thanks, but I don't want sex. No, I don't want another drink. No kebab for me thank you. Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me. Good evening officer I'm not interested in fighting you. No one wants to hear me sing. ________________________________________________________ A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first." _________________________________________________________ A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle. ________________________________________________________ Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 pence. Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage. Paul 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' Mick 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's' Paul 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in -we haven't got any money!!' Mick 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks and Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free. At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me' Mick 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub...' ________________________________________________________ TRUE FACT: Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer. THEREFORE: Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon." CONCLUSION: Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big dick. ________________________________________________________ A little boy goes shopping with his mum and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out. While waiting, the little lad gets bored and as his mum comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out, she invites him over. After an hour she says "You know you can go a little further if you want" "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well why don't you put your hand down my pants?" she says. "Hell no" he cries, you've got teeth down there" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there" "Yes there are" he says, "my mum told me" "No, there aren't" she insists. "Here have a look for yourself" she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "look I don't have any teeth down there!" The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!" ________________________________________________________ Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." ...There's a pause... The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?" _________________________________________________________ This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbour, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home. The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff. The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face. The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit." ____________________________________________________________ A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You!!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink." _______________________________________________________________ In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step on to the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and, for a second time, attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan behind her in line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the top step of the bus. She went absolutely ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him. "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the Texan drawled, "Well Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends." _________________________________________________________________ Gary Ayres noticed that his star player, Wayne Carey, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day, after practice, Ayres asked Wayne, "Just what the hell is your secret with the women?" So Carey replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" Ayres decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early. When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Wayne?" ___________________________________________________________________ Mick Malthouse, Nathan Buckley and Eddie Maguire go out for dinner one evening but are involved in a car accident and are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Mick first, he asks "What do you believe?" Mick looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe in giving peace a chance. That beauty is something deep within the soul, and there is nothing beyond our reach if you work hard enough for what you believe in." God looks up, and offers Mick the seat to his left. He then turns to Nathan. "And you, Mr Buckley. What do you believe?" Nathan stands tall and proud. "I believe courage, honour, and passion are the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole sporting career providing a living embodiment of these traits, particularly passion!!" God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Nathan the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Eddie. "And you, Mr Maguire. What do you believe? "I believe", says Eddie, "that you are in my seat". ______________________________________________________________________ The Original Legend An ant and a grasshopper live in the same field. During summer, the ant works all day and night bringing in supplies for winter and he prepares his home to keep him warm during the cold months ahead. Meanwhile the grasshopper hops and sings, eats all the grass he wants and he procreates. Come winter, the grass dies and it is bitterly cold. The ant is well fed and warm in his house, but the grasshopper has not prepared for the winter so he dies leaving a whole hoard of little grasshoppers without food or shelter. The moral of this story is that one should work hard enough to ensure that you can take care of yourself and those you bring to being. The African Version The first part of the story is the same, but because it happens in Africa, there are a few complications. The starving shivering offspring of the grasshopper demand to know why the ants should be allowed to be warm and well fed while next door they are living in terrible conditions without food or clothing. A TV crew shows up and broadcasts footage of the poor grasshopper and contrasts this with footage of the ant snug in his home with a pantry full of food. The public is stunned. How can it be, that in this fertile field the poor grasshopper can suffer while the ant lives in the lap of luxury. In a blink of the eye, the AGU (African Grasshopper union) is formed, with foreign aid. They charge the ant with "species bias" and claim that the grasshopper are victims of generations of green oppression. They stage a protest in front of the ant's house and trash the street. The TV crew interviews them and they state that if their demands are not met, they will be forced into a life of crime. Just for practice, they loot and rape the TV crew and highjack their van. The TRC, Take and Redistribute Commission, (Truth and reconciliation commission), justifies this behaviour by saying that this is the legacy of the ant's discrimination against the grasshopper. They demand that the ant apologise to the grasshopper for what he has done, and that he make amends for the other ants in history who have done the same things to grasshoppers. PAGAD, People Against Grasshopper Abuse and Distress state that they are starting a holy war against ants. The President appears on the 8pm news and says that he will do everything he can for the grasshoppers who have been denied the prosperity they deserve from living in the fertile field. The Government drafts the EEGAD act, Economic Equity for Greens and Disadvantaged, and retroactively fines the ant for failing to employ a proportionate number of greens. Having nothing left to pay redistribution taxes, his home is expropriated. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing off the last of the ants food while the house he is in, once the ant's house, crumbles around him through lack of maintenance. ___________________________________________________________________________ This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper: "SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours." Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy. The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days. ______________________________________________________________________ In a train car there was an Australian, a Kiwi, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Kiwi had a big red slap mark on his cheek. 1. The blonde thought - "That Kiwi son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face." 2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Kiwi laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him." 3. The Kiwi thought - "That fucking Australian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me." 4. The Australian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Kiwi again." _______________________________________________________________________ An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Priest : Are you sorry for your sins? Man : What sins? Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you? Man : I'm Jewish Priest: Why are you telling me all this? Man : I'm telling everybody. ____________________________________________________________________ Two cowboys from Goondawindi walk into a pub to wash the dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices in the drought. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. "No", signals the woman, desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between the woman's bum-cheeks. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before. _______________________________________________________________ WATER 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population) 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? COKE 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminium foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. For Your Info 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke? WATER OR COKE? _____________________________________________________________ A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try"? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says here's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"? Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious." __________________________________________________________________ A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too." _______________________________________________________________ A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." ________________________________________________________________ This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a fucking liar!!" __________________________________________________________________ Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot." __________________________________________________________________ A man and woman got married and had a little boy who was very healthy, but as he got older his parents noticed that he never spoke. This concerned his parents greatly. They took their son to several doctors who ran series of tests and told them that the boy was perfectly healthy but would probably never speak. Resigned, the parent took their son home and did everything in their power to keep him happy. One night seven years later while eating dinner, the little boy looked up from his plate and said in a clear voice, "These peas are cold." Overjoyed, his parents celebrated and hugged and kissed him. "Oh," they said. "We're so happy. We thought you couldn't speak. Why haven't you spoken until now?" The boy looked at his parents and said, "Well up until these peas, everything's been fine." ___________________________________________________________________ The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Wonder Bread account." ____________________________________________________________________ An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some painties". Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Bejasus woman. You've no knickers - why not"? She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any". He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some!". Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me". "For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit." _________________________________________________________________ A Balga girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by a bus. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the bus to see if she is alright. "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out. "Everyfing is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?" "Ah fuckin 'ell. NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down as well!!!" _________________________________________________________________